Fuck Spanish

Here I am, sitting in my office, minding my own business, when I hear two rabid wolves getting into a barking match down the hall. Immediately I pick up the phone to call Animal Control when I hear one of them fire up a vaccuum cleaner. I'm not aware of any forest creatures that can operate such complex machinery, so my hand freezes mid-dial. The other one is now emptying our trash cans.

That's when it becomes clear that no mere infection can mutate helpless animals into custodial staff. Surely such a thing would have shown up on a background investigation. Or the drug test at least. No, it's just the Hispanic cleaning crew that comes through my office every night.
They're rattling off sounds which I can only assume make up real words in their freaky-deeky language, but it's just an unintelligible mess to my civilized ears. Like if you played every track on an Eminem album at double speed, all simultaneously.

And it's fucking offensive to hear. Take just about any other language, and there's a certain mystery and beauty to it. Like French and Italian, which, like Spanish, shares similar roots in Latin. But I suspect that instead of a brotherly relationship, Spanish is more like a dirty homeless uncle that spent some time in jail for exposing himself in a Toys R Us.

Honestly it sounds similar to hanging a starving monkey up by his feet and 3 guys beat it to death with foot-long pepperoni sticks. I've never once heard someone speaking Spanish and thought "Now THAT is hot". Actresses like Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz and singers like Shakira are slightly less pleasing to the ear than broken glass. And I don't mean the sound of broken glass, I mean the feeling that follows having shards driven into my eardrums by Sylvester Stallone as he attempts to mumble his way through Hamlet.

I think if they jump our borders and refuse to learn our language, then we have the right to muzzle them. And perhaps take measures to prevent them from reproducing, but that's another post entirely.